Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Mid-Semester Burrrrrnnnnn Outttaaaa

Yes, indeed.  It is about that time.  The mid-semester burn out time.  Just wanted to say that I WILL be watching and reviewing a movie by Saturday.  I promise from the depths of my soul, because I know that it is just that important to you.  And my grade.


Friday, 17 February 2012

The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence


Produced by Tom Six

Written by Tom Six

The Human Centipede 2 2011. Photograph. Web. 18 Feb 2012.

I have never watched a movie that has forced me to look away before.  Touche, Human Centipede 2, touche.  You are fucking disgusting.  The first Human Centipede was a joke compared to this second installment.  The Human Centipede 1 was sprinkled with the notion that the writers were aware that it was grossly over the top, which  added an element of humour for the viewer.  This is not the case for Full Sequence. 

What happens is some mentally ill guy becomes obsessed with the movie The Human Centipede.  He then embarks on his own little mission to replicate the movie with twelve people.  Yes, twelve.  Two die mid-operation so the final product is a ten-person centipede.  He has no medical expertise, just what he has witnessed in the original movie.  That said, his make-shift operations are horribly cringe-worthy. 

Referring to the element of "gore" in this film just doesn't seem to fit.  It is beyond gore.  It doesn't quite encompass the idea of explosive diarrhea working it's way through a ten-person long digestive tract.  Or stapling one guy's face to another guy's ass.  Or carving into somebody's knee-cap, reaching in, and slicing tendons.

The main flaw with this film is that nobody really tries to escape.  I am talking pre-operation.  I understand the difficulty of escaping with your face stapled to a fat, sweaty guy's butt hole, but there is no excuse to just lay around moaning all taped up.  Crazy guy is gone for long periods of time and all of his victims just lay on the floor moaning.  Their arms are taped behind their backs and their ankles are taped together.  A class of kindergarten kids could have figured something out.  Maneuver around so you can rip off the tape of somebody else etc., ARE YOU STUPID? DO YOU REALLY WANT THROAT-BUTT BREATH?  

The most powerful aspect of this movie is how badly you find yourself wanting the bad guy to spontaneously combust.  I really, really, really just wanted him to die or for someone to hurl a hammer at his nuts.  He does get what is coming to him, in a way (I won't spoil it), but it still doesn't feel like justice has been served.  It would have been satisfying to see all his victims rip themselves from one another and beat the shit out of him.  Even better, if somehow all of their spines fused together and they could move like a real centipede - rearing up from the back and flailing around screaming while spitting diarrhea acid at him.  Alas, it does not happen.  Maybe in a better life.

The only comedic relief comes when everyone starts farting in each others mouths and crazy guy starts replicating the sound by blowing raspberries.  That was funny.  Nothing else was funny.  

My recommendation is to watch it if you can stomach it.  Maybe just for shits, gigglesIf you are the queezy-type, avoid at all costs.

Grade:  I'll give it a B for making me nauseous.  

Moral of the Story:  Try to escape before the SHIT HITS THE FAN.  Or the back of your throat, whichever is more motivating.

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Just an Idea....

Someone should really make a movie called The Spooky Dookie.   Can you imagine the possibilities?  Haunted poop? Possessed poop?  Psychotic murderous axe swinging poop?  Poop that whispers your name in the dead of night, beckoning you to kill your family?  Can't believe this hasn't been done yet. 

Monday, 13 February 2012


NOTE:  I have no qualms about the seriousness of the holocaust and no prejudice against gender identity or obesity.  Be warned that some people may find the dark humour in this film a little over the top.

Blubberella 2010. Photograph. Web. 13 Feb 2012.

Directed by Uwe Boll
Written by Uwe Boll and Lindsay Hollister

Well, my friends.  It appears we have come across a little gem here. A half-vampire, half-human, completely sarcastic, segway-riding, and definitely overweight nazi killer is on a mission.  To kill nazis, of course.

All it took was the opening scene of a 300lb woman epically wielding samurai swords through the air, and I was sold.  The film embraces it's b-movie status and puts a god damn ring on it.  The comedic creativity is hilarious, with concentration camps equipped with "clap-on/clap-off" lights, along with a homosexual nazi resistance member known by the name "Vag" (German play on words here, I assume), but who everyone fondly refers to as "Vagisal".  Even  the onslaught of cliche "fat jokes" don't put a damper on this one.

The story-line is a little confusing, mainly due to really weird dream sequences involving heart-to-hearts with Hitler, but if you watch it through to the end it generally makes enough sense.  There are also a few random scenes here and there that are completely irrelevant to EVERYTHING, but it works (somehow).  Luckily, it's not much of a thinker.

I was actually quite impressed with some of the special effects despite the b-movie factor.  There is not much in the gore department, just some vivisecting and heart stabbing.  It suffices, though.  The "beatings" are performed in such a manner that the movie actually mocks itself, showing different angles of an individual supposedly getting his head smashed into a wall wherein he is simply "headbanging air", for lack of a better term.

This is a goofy horror movie and the humor absolutely keeps it going and makes it so fantastic.  The acting is great (probably due to skill-level=genre) and the cast pulled it off wonderfully.  Can you tell I'm a fan?  Of course, these types of goofy movies are not for everyone.  I myself am very wary of such a genre and tend to avoid the stupid looking spoof horror films.  Perhaps this is just a diamond in the rough, who knows.  It's fucking awesome though.

Grade:A fucking PLUS

Moral of the Story: Obese vampiric women are hilarious.

Friday, 10 February 2012


Directed by Chul-soo Jang 
Written by Kwang-young Choi

Bedevilled. 2010. Photograph.,inc Web. 8 Feb 2012. <>

Okay, some background.  This is a crime/drama/horror film straight out of South Korea, 2010.  It is a longy, with a run time of 115 minutes.  Almost 2 hours.  If you can make it through the first 45 minutes, which I struggled to do, it is worth the watch. ON WITH THE REVIEW.

The movie centers around two child hood friends, both of whom grew up on an isolated island with only a handful of people.  One of the friends managed to get off the island and make a life for herself in Seoul.  In short, she is a selfish bitch.  The other friend is stuck on the island and is basically a slave to everyone on the island in every way your sick mind can think of.  Bad-situation friend is constantly trying to contact selfish-b friend for help.  Eventually, selfish-b friend goes back to island for a "vacation" and the fun begins.

At it's core, this is revenge movie.  Like an ULTRA revenge movie.  Which brings me to the gore synopsis.  You have to wait about an hour and fifteen minutes, but then it is gore galore.  Weapon of choice: scythe.  Lots of head rolling around on the ground and faces smashed in.  Yummy.

Alongside the revenge aspect, the movie is more about the character relationships - which can draaaaaggggg out- at times, but are ultimately essential to the story.  Bad-situation friend needs help, but absolutely no one will help-not even selfish-b childhood friend.  Bad-situation friend so badly wants someone to connect with; someone to treat her like a human being.  As the story goes, this does not happen.  Result: a bat-shit crazy south-korean woman with a scythe and an insatiable urge to kill everyone who has wronged her.

I feel this movie is more of a drama than a horror, because I found myself actually caring about certain characters and really hoping that someone would just show this woman some goddamn compassion.  Alas, I suppose that is where the scythe wielding comes in as an attempt to satisfy the viewer.  I;m not implying that it wasn't satisfying, I just feel as if something deeper was missing which would have made this movie that much better.

It is a somewhat emotionally complex movie which may come as a shock to the average horror fan, (omg, I have to think! AHHH)  Despite the drama genre embedded in this film I still feel that it is a better than average horror film, depending on whether or not you are willing to broaden your guts-n-blood-n-masked killer scope to encompass something a little more emotional.

Grade: B-

Moral of the Story: Be nice to people or they will murder your face with a scythe.

Friday, 3 February 2012

The Woman in Black

Directed by James Watkins
Writing credits Susan Hill (novel)

The Woman in Black. 2012. Photograph.,inc Web. 4 Feb 2012. <>.

I am shocked, appalled, and possibly a tad personally offended. I don't even know what to say. This movie is horrible. Absolutely horrible. Beyond horrible.

First of all, the story-line progression is very poor. It just kind of "starts". Little is explained, which in turn left my feeble mind pondering the deep questions of life; "Where am I? What the hell is going on? Did I miss something? Have I been abducted by aliens and passed into the twilight zone?" All of these questions are a possible explanation. Or it could have just been that I was in a movie theater watching a terrible movie. Oh yeah, that's it. In essence, the abrupt starting and stopping of the storyline is slightly confusing and aggravating.

As for the plot itself... what.the.hell. That is a statement, not a question. My two year old nephew could have come up with a more intelligent plot, and he can hardly string together a coherent sentence. Granted, horror movies aren't exactly notorious for their realistic, day-to-day life stories, but this is just pointless. The dialogue is dismal, consisting mainly of one line statement/questions followed by on word responses.

Ex. #1:
Townsfolk: Leave our town.
Daniel Radcliffe: No.

Ex. #2:
Daniel Radcliffe: Take me to the scary house.
Chariot Man: Okay.

Which brings me to another point. With such examples being literally the extent of the dialogue in the film, it is totally void of emotion and meaning. There are no character friendships or relationships of any kind. It is boring. If I wanted to pay $14.00 to watch Daniel Radcliffe wander around a giant house for half an hour, I'd rather set up camp on his front lawn with $14.00 worth of disposable cameras.

No gore in this film, aside from a scene which involves a fire. There are a few pop-up shock moments, notably a crow that flies out of no where...a crow? Come on. As for the Woman in Black herself, she makes very few appearances. When she does appear, she is usually side frame off in the background. Her greatest effort comes in a brief scene where she screams like a banshee and flies across a room. I think she is tired. Probably needs a dirt nap. She is dead, after all.

Okay, so if you haven't caught my drift by now, I did not enjoy this movie.

Grade:D- That's right. D MINUS.

Moral of the Story: This movie offers no morals or lessons to be learned. I am going to change this to Moral of my Experience Watching The Woman in Black: Don't.
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I am going to see The Woman in Black tonight with a friend who is pee-pee pants afraid of scary movies.  The way I see it the experience should be win-win all around.  If the movie is decent, I get to enjoy a good show.  If the movie sucks, it's okay because chances are I will be able to observe my friend in the throws of a pants pooping panic attack!  WIN-WIN, RIGHT? 

Just kidding, I am not really that mean.  Anyways, a review will be up either tonight or tomorrow.

Godspeed m friends.


Tuesday, 31 January 2012


Directed by: Daniel Simpson
Written by: Daniel Simpson

Spiderhole. 2010. Photograph.,inc Web. 4 Feb 2012 <>

I have to be honest and say that the movie’s title, "Spiderhole" is what sucked me in. I mean... come on. SPIDERHOLE?!?! It's funny and it gets you thinking...What is the nature of this spider hole? What kind of spiders? Vicious, hairy, acid-spitting spiders? Or your typical run of the mill "oh Ma Gawwwddd a spider!!" kind of spider. What kind of hole are we talking about anyways? Don't even try to tell me that you are not thinking what I am thinking... ON WITH THE REVIEW. 

Well, I suppose I'll start off by telling you that this movie has nothing to do with spiders. Or holes, for that matter. The plot, in a nutshell, entails 4 art students deciding to find a house to squat in. [For those of you less-cultured than myself, "squatting" is when a person finds an abandoned house and decides to live there. It is quite common in the UK. It is also legal.] They find a house, they move in, and woo-hoo things are great. 


in reality a creepy old man, dawning what appears to be a fashionable painter’s suit, begins to rock the boat and dampen their fun times. What I really meant by that was that he locks them in the house and each of the 4 art students begin to disappear. The story isn't really that strong. Sure, the doors are locked and barred, the windows are barred, etc. but there have to be more ways out of a house than doors and windows. I found the whole aspect of actually being truly trapped in a house to be one of the films main weaknesses. 

If you are in it for the gore I feel that this movie delivers. It is not a movie that overflows with gore, but there are moments of senseless gory violence. Hacked off limbs, gouged out eyes, and beatings at the discretion of a lunatic wielding a 2x4 with nails sticking out of the end. No, I can't say that I was awfully disappointed with gore department. It held its own. 

It was another no-brainer kind of film, who is going to die, who is going to survive etc... The acting was decent and I feel the actors carried the movie quite well. 

Overall, it was a bad movie. On that note, though, it was a watchable bad movie. It was entertaining enough for me watch it though to the end. (just kidding, I only watched it to the end to see if some sort of spiderhole would emerge) 

Grade: C-

Moral of the story: Don't assume the movie's title is in anyway related to the movie itself. Also, get a job and rent your own place instead of squatting in some abandoned shit hole - see what happens when you do that? Crazy man tries to kill you all. Get a job you hippies.

Wednesday, 25 January 2012


Directed by Eduardo Sanchez 2006
Written by Jamie Nash, Eduardo Sanchez 
Altered. 2006. Photograph.,inc Web. 4 Feb 2012. <>.

 Well, nothing says “horror” movie quite like a good ol’ fashioned intestinal tug-o-war - Especially when one of the participants is a little green creature with what appears to be a leprosy ravaged vagina on its forehead.  Not that I know anything about that...  ON WITH THE MOVIE REVIEW.

For a straight-to-dvd flick I can’t really complain.  But I will.  I will start off by saying that it is definitely a no brainer; which isn’t always a bad thing.  One of those nice and pleasant shut-off-your-brain and guess who gets killed first movies.  The story picks up midway which seems to work, as the background is quite self-explanatory and obvious.  Four guys, now twenty-something, are pissed off at the aliens that abducted them as kids.  Revenge is the name of the game.  Simple, right? WRONG.  Aliens have super powers and shit.

In short, about half of the movie revolves around keeping the captured little green man... well, captured.  The last half of the movie revolves around the little green man scuttling around and pulling people’s intestines out while simultaneously summoning the rest of his alien family for help, etc.  The movie flows quite well and there are very few details that are not explained in some way. 

There is not a lot to offer in the gore department, but there were some pretty neat special effects.  Most notably and impressive is the character whose skin is slowly burning/rotting off over the course of the movie.  The alien is not exactly your typical smooth-faced, giant eyeballed critter.  In contrast, it is quite vicious looking with some nice pointy chompers in desperate need of a dental cleaning.

I would not necessarily call this a “good” movie, but I feel that it is quite a few realms above the titles deserving the “bad” movie label.  I have seen far, far worse.  It held my attention and was relatively entertaining enough to keep me watching.  If you have nothing better to do and need to kill some time I would say it is worth the watch.  If you are looking for something a little more engaging then I would not recommend.

Grade: C

Moral of the story:  If you happen to capture an alien, don’t kill it or else it will send all of it’s little alien bastard friends to destroy the human race.  In the scenario that you do kill it, ensure your house is rigged with explosives.  When the mother ship comes for revenge, simply hide in the basement and explode your house.  This will cause the mother ship to cease and desist.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

I will be reviewing horror movies, old and new, throughout the 2012 winter semester. Woo.