Tuesday, 31 January 2012


Directed by: Daniel Simpson
Written by: Daniel Simpson

Spiderhole. 2010. Photograph. imdb.com,inc Web. 4 Feb 2012 <http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2145173248/tt1496884>

I have to be honest and say that the movie’s title, "Spiderhole" is what sucked me in. I mean... come on. SPIDERHOLE?!?! It's funny and it gets you thinking...What is the nature of this spider hole? What kind of spiders? Vicious, hairy, acid-spitting spiders? Or your typical run of the mill "oh Ma Gawwwddd a spider!!" kind of spider. What kind of hole are we talking about anyways? Don't even try to tell me that you are not thinking what I am thinking... ON WITH THE REVIEW. 

Well, I suppose I'll start off by telling you that this movie has nothing to do with spiders. Or holes, for that matter. The plot, in a nutshell, entails 4 art students deciding to find a house to squat in. [For those of you less-cultured than myself, "squatting" is when a person finds an abandoned house and decides to live there. It is quite common in the UK. It is also legal.] They find a house, they move in, and woo-hoo things are great. 


in reality a creepy old man, dawning what appears to be a fashionable painter’s suit, begins to rock the boat and dampen their fun times. What I really meant by that was that he locks them in the house and each of the 4 art students begin to disappear. The story isn't really that strong. Sure, the doors are locked and barred, the windows are barred, etc. but there have to be more ways out of a house than doors and windows. I found the whole aspect of actually being truly trapped in a house to be one of the films main weaknesses. 

If you are in it for the gore I feel that this movie delivers. It is not a movie that overflows with gore, but there are moments of senseless gory violence. Hacked off limbs, gouged out eyes, and beatings at the discretion of a lunatic wielding a 2x4 with nails sticking out of the end. No, I can't say that I was awfully disappointed with gore department. It held its own. 

It was another no-brainer kind of film, who is going to die, who is going to survive etc... The acting was decent and I feel the actors carried the movie quite well. 

Overall, it was a bad movie. On that note, though, it was a watchable bad movie. It was entertaining enough for me watch it though to the end. (just kidding, I only watched it to the end to see if some sort of spiderhole would emerge) 

Grade: C-

Moral of the story: Don't assume the movie's title is in anyway related to the movie itself. Also, get a job and rent your own place instead of squatting in some abandoned shit hole - see what happens when you do that? Crazy man tries to kill you all. Get a job you hippies.

Wednesday, 25 January 2012


Directed by Eduardo Sanchez 2006
Written by Jamie Nash, Eduardo Sanchez 
Altered. 2006. Photograph. imdb.com,inc Web. 4 Feb 2012. <http://www.imdb.com/media/rm187732480/tt0457275>.

 Well, nothing says “horror” movie quite like a good ol’ fashioned intestinal tug-o-war - Especially when one of the participants is a little green creature with what appears to be a leprosy ravaged vagina on its forehead.  Not that I know anything about that...  ON WITH THE MOVIE REVIEW.

For a straight-to-dvd flick I can’t really complain.  But I will.  I will start off by saying that it is definitely a no brainer; which isn’t always a bad thing.  One of those nice and pleasant shut-off-your-brain and guess who gets killed first movies.  The story picks up midway which seems to work, as the background is quite self-explanatory and obvious.  Four guys, now twenty-something, are pissed off at the aliens that abducted them as kids.  Revenge is the name of the game.  Simple, right? WRONG.  Aliens have super powers and shit.

In short, about half of the movie revolves around keeping the captured little green man... well, captured.  The last half of the movie revolves around the little green man scuttling around and pulling people’s intestines out while simultaneously summoning the rest of his alien family for help, etc.  The movie flows quite well and there are very few details that are not explained in some way. 

There is not a lot to offer in the gore department, but there were some pretty neat special effects.  Most notably and impressive is the character whose skin is slowly burning/rotting off over the course of the movie.  The alien is not exactly your typical smooth-faced, giant eyeballed critter.  In contrast, it is quite vicious looking with some nice pointy chompers in desperate need of a dental cleaning.

I would not necessarily call this a “good” movie, but I feel that it is quite a few realms above the titles deserving the “bad” movie label.  I have seen far, far worse.  It held my attention and was relatively entertaining enough to keep me watching.  If you have nothing better to do and need to kill some time I would say it is worth the watch.  If you are looking for something a little more engaging then I would not recommend.

Grade: C

Moral of the story:  If you happen to capture an alien, don’t kill it or else it will send all of it’s little alien bastard friends to destroy the human race.  In the scenario that you do kill it, ensure your house is rigged with explosives.  When the mother ship comes for revenge, simply hide in the basement and explode your house.  This will cause the mother ship to cease and desist.

Sunday, 22 January 2012

I will be reviewing horror movies, old and new, throughout the 2012 winter semester. Woo.